Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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