I think I died a long time ago.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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