I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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