I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Randomize
