Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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