Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
