She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
