Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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