After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
