I heard we made out
My hand turned me down
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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