The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
