Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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