cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
