Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
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Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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