Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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