she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
