It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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