turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
