rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
