now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
