he puts the penis in happiness.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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