Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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