Is it normal to miss your booty call?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
