I'm going to jail i love you
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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