I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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