Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
