Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
