I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
last night I used snow as a chaser
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