dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize