I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
