The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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