Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
