"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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