so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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