Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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