I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
