How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
