I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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