dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
