Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
