K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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