This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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