Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
