you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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