My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
