ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
