Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
