I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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