you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
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I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
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Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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