O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
