Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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