life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize