were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
