Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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