Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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