I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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