in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
